Motherhood

"Mothers are all slightly insane." - J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Reading this was like being throat punched with truth knuckles. I now realize that while I may feel exhausted all the time, it's but a small part of the bigger picture; I'm just a little bit insane.

On Friday, I actually cried on the floor. I curled up in a ball and cried for 2 minutes, before getting up to vacuum the stairs in an attempt to center myself. Who acts like that?

Well.... I guess I do.

Spending any time on facebook had me thinking that most moms just laugh the bad days off with witty puns, or the hours of screaming were matched by calm mommy resolve to make it better. Did other moms feel isolated and hopeless sometimes? Were there days when they thought they were the biggest mess in the world, and their poor child was going to be forever damaged by their inability to be a high functioning, rational adult? Was I willing to reach out and ask anyone about it? Not really.

But then, one day, I did. And then I did it again another day. I've had some amazing conversations with other moms about parenthood, and the personal challenges they've faced along the way. I wasn't told to just suck it up and deal with it. I was never made to feel as though I was wading around in a mess created by my own ineptitude.

We're female gladiators, fending off physical attacks from pint sized monsters; we're therapist to the sometimes mute and impatient; we're audience to the most hilarious comedians on the planet; we're the safety blanket when life is a little bit too threatening to do it alone; we're the maid that cleans up all the little accidents, and the not so accidents; we're the chef that always get the most terrible reviews; we're the nurse even when we're also the patient; we're the insanity that they'll remember forever.

Parenting is a balancing act. You need to make sure your child's needs are being met, while making sure that your relationships are being nurtured. And don't, for a second, think that it's okay to neglect the relationship you have with yourself. I know I fall prey to forgetting this, or I write it off as being 'selfish' behaviour. But, a happier me is a happier mom.



Sometimes you need to fall down to learn how to balance.



I guess I just fell down for a minute. Time to get up and try again.



*Side note: There are people who might criticize or judge you as a parent. They might even be moms themselves. I'm focusing this blog on the positive responses, because they are more prevalent than the negatives. Sometimes we just get too wrapped up in the negative, because it highlights all the most insecure thoughts that we've had.

Be candid with your non-mom friends too. I've found some pretty solid support from people who can empathize with struggles that I'm facing as an individual.

Random

I think today is going to be random day. It soon became clear that the internet was conspiring against me and my attempt to find a meaningful word of the day for my blog. My first search attempt brought me fomite (even spell check is telling me this word is bonkers).

Fomite is an object (as a dish or an article of clothing) that may be contaminated with infectious organisms and serve in their transmission. Try to remember that the next time someone tries to poison you with their tainted food. 

My second search attempt brought me kamikaze. I haven't been feeling particularly reckless or self destructive lately, so this didn't apply either. 

I switched to searching for quotes after my first two attempts bombed. I got this:

"When birds burp, it must taste like bugs." - Bill Watterson 

It's so profound! So.... Perfect! 





Okay, I'm reaching here. In all honesty, I grew lazy and picked the third option for the amusement it provided at 7:30am. So, when life gives you lemons (or burping birds), you better make some pie! 

I just realized this is my first post since turning 32. Way to keep it mature and sensible, huh?! Yeah, that's what I thought too. If you can't have a little fun now and then, what's the point?

Maybe I'll take this as a lesson to simplify things a little bit, and make a point of doing something silly or fun each day. Tomorrow I'll start by hiking up a mountain with my husband. 

32 will be a great year.... I can feel it. 
  

Confidence

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." -Eleanor Roosevelt



At some point I lost my understanding of what true fear really was. I guess growing up watching scary movies, reading horror novels, or even being exposed to the world news, drastically altered what I felt fear should be. You should fear the creepy pedophiles that might try to kidnap your kids, or the terrorist that might attack your home, or maybe the cougar that has been hunting in the woods behind your house. But, how often do you associate fear with getting into your car, and going to the grocery store? That was my conundrum.

Just a couple months ago, I was quietly perusing the chips in our local Walmart (I'm all about the class), trying to decide what flavour my husband wanted me to pick up (he has a habit of finding my shopping list and adding a few of his own suggestions), when I was suddenly taken over with this overwhelming need to escape. Everything seemed suddenly too bright and loud, leaving me a sweaty gasping mess within seconds. I needed to get out of that store right now. I'm happy to say that I resisted the impulse (or should I say panic) to flee, and breathed my way through the rest of my shopping trip.

That, my friends, is fear. It's overwhelming and, at times, completely irrational.

Oftentimes I'll look back on a panic attack, and wonder what the heck came over me. Shopping is not supposed to be a scary thing. I'm not threatened at the grocery store by anything tangible... as far as I know, the produce is still incapable of full on premeditated assault.

I find that I'm overwhelmed with the same fear when I'm out exercising in a public place. I feel like the world is just waiting for a chance to judge me. Probably because I've always been so hard on myself, and feel that the rest of the world is just there to confirm all the negative emotion floating around in my head.

"My butt shakes like a waterbed being belly-flopped on by a gaggle of 5 year old boys."

"I probably sound like a wounded elephant lumbering through the forest, while attempting to breath through a straw."

I know I'm not alone with this fear. I know that for a long time I put off getting back in shape, because I didn't want to face the potential ridicule. What I didn't admit was that the ridicule was coming from myself, and not from some random stranger on the street.

So, as you may know from reading previous blog posts, I tackled this fear by signing up for a 5K run. I had no choice but to train, because I was committed to making this happen. I guess that's what happens when you're a highly competitive person. I'll compete with myself any day.

And, for the first time in my life, I set out to an incredibly crowded outdoor running track, and put my floppy jiggly bits on display for the whole field to see. At first, it was unnerving, but soon, it was empowering.

It's amazing what a little fear can help you accomplish, if you embrace it instead of hiding from it.

Terror

Last night I was afraid to go to sleep. When it came time to say "goodnight" to my husband, he insisted that I take a night light to bed with me. A bright one. At first, I felt a little foolish taking it with me, but I soon felt more grateful than shameful.

I always joke about pulling the blankets up over my head, to ward off potential boogeymen, but there was no joking going on night before last. It was a night like most other before it. I read a bit of my book, and then settled in to meditate as I drifted off to sleep. I never expected that less than 2 hours later, I would be woken by my own screams and a terrified husband charging through the door.

It took me a long time to still the shaking in my hands, and settle back to sleep. My very patient and loving husband abandoned his video games to protect me from imagined terrors, and stayed close for the rest of the night. Poor guy had very little space to sleep in, because I wouldn't budge out of the middle of the bed all night. I have never been so frightened in my life.

From the age of 12 on, I spent much of my spare time reading or watching frightening stories. The supernatural fascinated, yet never became a reality to me. Night terrors make the supernatural come to life, and that is downright terrifying. At least this experience has taught me greater empathy for how to respond to my son when he wakes screaming from all the terrors of the night.

I was working on another blog post, but I put it aside for a couple days. It's called "Procrastination."

Challenge.....

.... accepted!

'Twas the anniversary of my nation's birthday that marked a milestone for me. On July 1st, I ran my first 5K since having my son. It was so worth the heat. Did I mention we were having record breaking temperatures that weekend? We, on the wet west coast, are not accustomed to temperatures anywhere near the mid to high 30's, but we went there on the weekend. Just in time for my poor, under-trained self to run like the wind. Okay, so the wind I was not, but I did fairly well.

My husband was a great coach, and a wonderful motivator. He refused to run ahead of me, and even insisted that I cross the finish line first. I do love him, so very much. When I wanted to walk, I was given exactly 1 minute.... but even then, if I seemed really tired he would let me go with a few extra seconds. It's what I needed to get me through it. I'm really very proud of myself, and plan on celebrating by registering for another 5K in September. Here's hoping the training goes better for that one!

The run ended up being for a great cause, with all proceeds going toward the Canadian Diabetes Foundation. I like good causes. Our friends were even sweet enough to register our little guy for the kids 1K, so he would have something fun to do while we were off sweating in the trees. My sister in law joined in the fun, by escorting the little man on his meanderings through the trails. I think everyone had a great time. I'd love to do it again next year.

It really was a wonderful weekend. Before race day, we went up for a couple of nights to visit the in-laws and my grandparents on the beautiful sunshine coast. L got to play on the "beach" beside my grandparents place, and enjoyed checking out his great auntie J's carvings in the shop. Big love for the owls and ducks!  We played pool with mother and father in law, with a meager (but well deserved) win for team McCrabbs (that would be myself and hubby). Apparently my father in law is really enjoying his retirement, and spends a great deal of time honing his billiard skills so he can put all us younguns in our place. Mother in law played with L, changed diapers, and gave us some time to shower and unwind. We thank you!

We need to do it more often. If I could live there, and harass my family every single day, I would. But, alas, they have to deal with harassment from afar. Love to you all.

Motivation

I'm running a 5K on July 1st. Go me! Okay, maybe not so much. I'm nowhere near ready. When I started this journey, I was sure training would go smoothly and I might even lose some weight along the way. Uh huh. My family ended up sick for over two weeks, so my tight seven week training schedule was cut right in the middle.

I'm using an iphone app called C25K (couch to 5 km) to help me train for the race. With the app, you start out alternating between running and walking, until you gradually eliminate the need to walk entirely. At the time that I got sick, I had worked my way up to 4 weeks of training.

So,  considering I was almost flat out for two weeks, you would think common sense would prevail, and I'd set myself back at least a week. Common sense, you say? Yeah, no. When it comes to exercise, I fail miserably at making good choices. I felt like a baby hippo, or maybe a really overweight sloth, being chased by a cheetah. I'm sure other people passing me must have thought I was either going into cardiac arrest, or having a very hot seizure. It was not a pretty sight.

However, that was nothing compared to the next week when I took my impatient toddler out in his stroller. Not only did I think I was going to collapse from exhaustion, but every single time he would call out to me, I would die a little inside. I just knew as soon as I choked out one response, there would be a ceaseless barrage of questions that would require similar retorts. I could hardly catch my breath, least of all speak at the rate that he expected.

Oh well, whining isn't going to get me anywhere. Cheers to hard work, and self motivation!

Nonpareil

:having no equal.

I've had this heading saved for a few days now, struggling to find a place to start. I feel like I should be writing about something profound, but I'm not feeling too profound at the moment. So, different approach.

Imagine it's between 5:00 and 5:30 in the morning. It's the height of summer, the sky is clear, and while it's warm, there's a cool fresh feel to the breeze brushing gently across your skin. You can hear the birds singing sweetly in the trees, and the soft hum of traffic somewhere off in the distance. As the sun begins to peak through the trees, the grass lights up like a crystal sea, shimmering and undulating at your feet. There's a coyote 200 yards from you, you both pause and consider one another briefly, before he lopes off into the nearby woods.

Now, how do you feel?

This is what I left working in an office for, and I never looked back. At one point, I felt like I should pursue higher education, and get back into office work. You know, make an adult of myself. But now I realize that I was right in following my happiness. That when I was working outside, I felt peaceful (even on the rainy days). I remember one day it was raining so hard that I soaked through two pairs of rain pants, and spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting in a pool of tepid water. I spent that afternoon laughing and singing to myself. I'm sure I looked a bit maniacal, but who cares? It was fun!

So, to use my word of the day.... I feel like the working experience described above, is nonpareil to any other that I have experienced.

Where's your happy place?