Noise

People interest me. I'm infinitely curious about what they're doing, and how they're doing it. And yet, I have no patience to dwell in the details of their lives. I think it's probably because I break apart everything into nuanced details, in an attempt to make sense of why they behave in a certain way. It's like reading tabloids. Hell yes, I want to read about how Kanye trashed Beck at the grammy's. Yes, I will talk about it and wonder how Kanye can't just step back and say "congratulations, man! Well done!" But then I regret reading it, because I get mad at Kanye. I don't even know Kanye, but what he said and did just doesn't rub my cerebrum in the right way.

Motivation is funny that way. You think about how many times someone has told you about how your behaviour or actions are selfish. I've called people selfish. But aren't we all selfish? Think about a situation where you were motivated to help someone, and be honest with yourself about what motivated you. Did you feel validated? Like someone needed you, and depended on your advice or kindness to help them through a hard time? Or maybe seeing them in pain made you feel the same? Wouldn't you want to eliminate the discomfort or pain you were feeling, by attempting to alleviate their suffering? Of course you're helping someone else, so it's not really selfish, right? Well, we're talking motivation here.

Now the interesting thing about how people judge each other is not on what motivates the individual, but rather, their actions. I could do something knowing full well it will offend someone, and yet my motivation for doing what I'm doing is in the best interest of someone else. So, I've had to make a choice about my priorities. What outcome would be most beneficial to my own, or my family's happiness? Does it mean that I made the decision out of malice toward the other person? Absolutely not. There is no way to get through life without offending or hurting someone else, because they will never know intrinsically what motivates me. I try to be as forthcoming as possible with my motivations, but they can sometimes be misinterpreted.

I've realized that to be happy, you have to be true to yourself. It's not about how loyal you are to an opinion or lifestyle, because those change. It's not about how loyal you are to a person, because that's about priorities. And what guides your priorities? Personal benefit. I gain tremendous benefit from keeping my husband and my son happy, because if they're happy with me, then they do things that make me feel supported and loved. So, my priority is always them first. I want to make sure that I always have that support and love, so I make it a necessary requirement to always put them ahead of all else. Sometimes though, we let priorities fall to the wayside, because we get too comfortable knowing that they're always going to love us and be there for us. Parents, for example. Grandparents, for another example. Best friends, if we're still playing this game. You name a relationship that you haven't prioritized in a while, but means a lot to you and you'll know what I mean. It doesn't mean you're a bad person for forgetting to put them on the list today. It just means that sometimes our list gets a little too long, and we're only one person.

Back to opinions. What fickle beasts opinions are. Everybody has one, and they want it to be relevant and understood by everyone who is close to them. They have an emotional investment in their opinions, and disagreeing with them can feel like a personal attack. If you don't agree with my opinion, you must not like me much. Ever notice how people expect a certain level of loyalty from your opinions too? Like you're somehow not allowed to also agree with a contradictory opinion. That just doesn't work. I mean, what are you trying to pull here? Are you a double agent? I guess I am. A double opinion agent, bent on ruining your life with my beliefs.

Because it all just goes back to motivation again. We usually just want to do something that will be good and kind, so that we can receive the same in return. But what do you do when someone else doesn't agree that what you're doing is good and kind? What if it might end up hurting the person you're trying to be kind to? Then you counter that it might not hurt them at all, and maybe anything else is just overprotective behaviour. Are either of you wrong? No. Not unless you've time traveled and witnessed the outcome first hand. You both are trying to help, but you can't agree on what is actually helpful. Classic.

This is all just a bunch of noise in my head that I'm writing down. I'm not editing it, because I don't really care to. I just want to get it down.

I'm not ending here, because I want to write about negativity. Consider this intermission.

Last winter, I was looking for a recipe for happiness, but I didn't find it until I stopped looking. You always hear yoga teachers saying things like "be mindful of your emotions." I was mindful of my emotions, in the moment with them, but I hated being in the moment with them. I didn't want to feel lonely, or scared, or sad, or angry. Some days I felt downright ugly on the inside, because I was just so impatient with life. It was hard. Everyone has a recipe for happiness, and you see signs of it everywhere. Facebook has all these sweet posts boasting about how strong I can be without such and such in my life. Or I'm a beast, hear me roar. It's easy to get lost in this false motivation. Because are they really motivational? Or do they make you fixate on the exact thing that you don't want to feel anymore? For me, it was fixation.

So what changed? I started reading things that made me laugh, because they were silly and upbeat. They didn't degrade people, or mock something. They were just ridiculous. I set goals for myself that didn't include how I was going to feel better emotionally. I actually started living in the moment with my feelings, because I realized they were just moments. Fleeting feelings that did not determine who I was as a person.

Someone told me once that I was a negative person. Ouch. What a terrible thing to hear, but aren't we conditioned to treat emotions this way? People see how you are feeling, and use your emotions as a way to judge you as a person. Well, you've been sad a lot lately, you're a really negative person, ya know. Well, no, I'm not. I'm just sad. I have other emotions too, but how often do we ever just blurt out "wow, you're a really happy person, ya know." Nah, we like to fixate on the negative. Again, the fixation.

I still judge people. I'm still nasty sometimes. I still get sad, and have really down days. But I also have great days, where I laugh often, and dance around the house with my family. Those days are actually very common. But, we only reach out to people when we're experiencing negativity in our lives, so isn't it kind of a kick in the face to tell them they're being a downer? Isn't it a better path to turn their attention to something that makes them smile? We redirect kids all the time, so why does that have to stop when we turn 18? Self soothing is an over sold product, in my opinion. If we were so great at self soothing, we wouldn't have so many self help books on the market. We need a community to stay happy and healthy, we can't/shouldn't do it alone.

Noisy post, I know, but I got it out there...


I'm happy with that.