Confidence

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot." -Eleanor Roosevelt



At some point I lost my understanding of what true fear really was. I guess growing up watching scary movies, reading horror novels, or even being exposed to the world news, drastically altered what I felt fear should be. You should fear the creepy pedophiles that might try to kidnap your kids, or the terrorist that might attack your home, or maybe the cougar that has been hunting in the woods behind your house. But, how often do you associate fear with getting into your car, and going to the grocery store? That was my conundrum.

Just a couple months ago, I was quietly perusing the chips in our local Walmart (I'm all about the class), trying to decide what flavour my husband wanted me to pick up (he has a habit of finding my shopping list and adding a few of his own suggestions), when I was suddenly taken over with this overwhelming need to escape. Everything seemed suddenly too bright and loud, leaving me a sweaty gasping mess within seconds. I needed to get out of that store right now. I'm happy to say that I resisted the impulse (or should I say panic) to flee, and breathed my way through the rest of my shopping trip.

That, my friends, is fear. It's overwhelming and, at times, completely irrational.

Oftentimes I'll look back on a panic attack, and wonder what the heck came over me. Shopping is not supposed to be a scary thing. I'm not threatened at the grocery store by anything tangible... as far as I know, the produce is still incapable of full on premeditated assault.

I find that I'm overwhelmed with the same fear when I'm out exercising in a public place. I feel like the world is just waiting for a chance to judge me. Probably because I've always been so hard on myself, and feel that the rest of the world is just there to confirm all the negative emotion floating around in my head.

"My butt shakes like a waterbed being belly-flopped on by a gaggle of 5 year old boys."

"I probably sound like a wounded elephant lumbering through the forest, while attempting to breath through a straw."

I know I'm not alone with this fear. I know that for a long time I put off getting back in shape, because I didn't want to face the potential ridicule. What I didn't admit was that the ridicule was coming from myself, and not from some random stranger on the street.

So, as you may know from reading previous blog posts, I tackled this fear by signing up for a 5K run. I had no choice but to train, because I was committed to making this happen. I guess that's what happens when you're a highly competitive person. I'll compete with myself any day.

And, for the first time in my life, I set out to an incredibly crowded outdoor running track, and put my floppy jiggly bits on display for the whole field to see. At first, it was unnerving, but soon, it was empowering.

It's amazing what a little fear can help you accomplish, if you embrace it instead of hiding from it.