Some people are just incredibly witty and fun. They have all the right words at all the right times, and they know just how to make an awkward situation lighter. There are days I wish I was that cool. My brain seems to interpret most pleasant conversation as an act of terrorism, sending me scrambling in the opposite direction whilst mumbling an unintelligible response. Don't get me wrong, I can usually keep okay conversation with people I know quite well, but I can very easily forget where I'm going with a conversation. Attention span is limited with this one.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm narcissistic. You know, if the conversation isn't about me or something I like, then why bother? Alas, no. I absolutely despise being the center of attention at any time, and I will check out of a conversation if It's beyond my intellectual reach. Sometimes I'll admit that my fellow conversationalist needs to dumb it down a notch, but other times I'll just fake my way through. At least when I'm faking it through, I'm asking lots of questions to try to figure out what the heck we're talking about. This happens fairly often with my husband and my father in law. Smart guys, both of 'em.
So yeah, I admire these witty and fun people. I think they're cool, and I've always wanted to be cool, but I keep missing the memo or 'how to' book.
I think most of these 'cool' people have a pretty good acceptance of who they are without validation from others. That's probably where I've failed all along. I'm a people pleaser from way back. When I was young, I rarely spoke up in conversation, preferring to listen to what was being said around me. I learned what people liked, and what they didn't like. I knew what decisions were good, and which ones were bad. I basically had a blue print on how to do things the 'right' way, as far as everyone the I admired was concerned. Or at least I thought.
Here I was, making decisions based on my perception on how people would react to them. Constantly worrying that one wrong move would send someone marching out the door, never to be seen again. I approached all relationships with the belief that it was my behaviour, and not me as an individual that people were sticking around for.
It's taken me over 30 years to finally realize that not everyone is going to like what I do, say or think, but that doesn't mean that they don't like me. It's also taken me 30 years to realize that absolutely no one wants, or deserves to be placed on a pedestal. There is not a single person out there that knows what they're doing with this life.
So, while I might never be one of the cool kids, at least I can be happy in the knowledge that I can truly accept myself as I am.
Geek is the new cool anyway... am I right?!
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