Happiness

Happiness is a tricky mistress.

Anybody who knows me even a little, knows that I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I analyze every little thing that I've ever heard, seen or felt, until I can't remember how it all began. 

Like many people, I was living under the false perception that having anxiety at all was just not normal. I tried so hard to adjust my thought process to one that was more positive, while pushing the anxiety down. It didn't work. In fact, it made things worse because I became fixated on the fact that I was losing this power struggle with my anxiety. I was focusing on my problem instead of just saying "oh hi there, anxiety! You're totally welcome here, but I don't have time to give you attention right now." Seriously, how much better is that?! 

I've learned to ask myself if the thought I'm having is helpful, and if it's not, I can just move on while making room for the emotion that the thought has created. This is a pretty big breakthrough for someone with panic disorder, let me tell you! I was at the point in my life where I couldn't even go out to a restaurant to eat, because my social anxiety was so high that I had to leave after a few minutes. I not once, but twice left a movie theater because I had a panic attack within the first five minutes. I was just so afraid that I would get anxious and lose control, that I did get anxious and lose control. It was bloody bizarre. Socially, I constantly wondered what people were thinking of me. Could they tell that I was just a big 'ole fakey mcfakerson going through the motions of social normalcy? Probably not, but I was convinced that I just wasn't fun to be around, or that people were silently judging every little thing that I did.

Realizing that anxiety is normal has taught me that I can be open with it. That I can be vulnerable, and express my insecurities and fears with people... within reason, of course. Some people just aren't ready for that kind of emotional closeness. And, the best part? The realization that there are kindred spirits everywhere out there.... sometimes in the least likely of places. 

So, to all my internet friends... please don't mentally kick yourself if you can't change that negative thought  into a positive one. Don't berate yourself for failing to be strong enough, or more in control. Recognize that what you're feeling is normal, and then determine if it's helpful and requires your attention. Because sometimes we just put too much energy into the thoughts that aren't going anywhere, ya know?!

Happiness is such a profound state of being. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, anxious, fickle, giddy, jealous, and maybe even a little crazy. Just BE!