Beauty

Writing about art again? Yeah, I'm fun that way. 

I think I've been more inspired to get back into the loving of art recently, because my husband has brought home a couple new pieces for me. I even cried when he brought in one of the pieces as a mother's day gift. Yep, my husband has thawed my cold heart with the gift of art. We'll just ignore the fact that I will cry at almost the drop of a hat, a trait that I swear I get from my dad (Armageddon, dad? Really?). 

So, here it is!

Beauty, ain't it?! I thought so too. 

And one more:

My photography skills are not the greatest here, but you can tell how rad it is regardless. The artist drew both of these gorgeous works on his computer drawing pad thingy. Yes, I'm that tech savvy. I love it, no matter the medium. I think he has extraordinary talent. 

In comparison, here are a couple pieces by my little picasso:

I think he might have a fighting chance to compete against the greats of his time, no?! I have to be honest that it has taken me quite a bit of control to get over my compulsive need to keep things tidy while he's producing his artwork. One thing that has helped me let go, is designating an area for arts and crafts only. That way when we have paint splattering everywhere, and some "oops I just drew on the wall" moments, I don't get so tense. It's all good. 

Lastly, I thought I'd show something that I started working on while waiting to get pregnant with my son. I was so excited to one day be a mom, that I thought I might try shaping what it would look like. I didn't account for swelling, and the spreading of my already there birthing hips. Yuh.

I haven't touched it in over two years, so dust and hair have made it their home. 

Anyway, here it is:

In my previous post concerning art, I mentioned that I often hit walls with my creative ability. With this one, it was proportions, and the placement of the hands. I'll get back to finish it one day!

Happiness

Happiness is a tricky mistress.

Anybody who knows me even a little, knows that I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I analyze every little thing that I've ever heard, seen or felt, until I can't remember how it all began. 

Like many people, I was living under the false perception that having anxiety at all was just not normal. I tried so hard to adjust my thought process to one that was more positive, while pushing the anxiety down. It didn't work. In fact, it made things worse because I became fixated on the fact that I was losing this power struggle with my anxiety. I was focusing on my problem instead of just saying "oh hi there, anxiety! You're totally welcome here, but I don't have time to give you attention right now." Seriously, how much better is that?! 

I've learned to ask myself if the thought I'm having is helpful, and if it's not, I can just move on while making room for the emotion that the thought has created. This is a pretty big breakthrough for someone with panic disorder, let me tell you! I was at the point in my life where I couldn't even go out to a restaurant to eat, because my social anxiety was so high that I had to leave after a few minutes. I not once, but twice left a movie theater because I had a panic attack within the first five minutes. I was just so afraid that I would get anxious and lose control, that I did get anxious and lose control. It was bloody bizarre. Socially, I constantly wondered what people were thinking of me. Could they tell that I was just a big 'ole fakey mcfakerson going through the motions of social normalcy? Probably not, but I was convinced that I just wasn't fun to be around, or that people were silently judging every little thing that I did.

Realizing that anxiety is normal has taught me that I can be open with it. That I can be vulnerable, and express my insecurities and fears with people... within reason, of course. Some people just aren't ready for that kind of emotional closeness. And, the best part? The realization that there are kindred spirits everywhere out there.... sometimes in the least likely of places. 

So, to all my internet friends... please don't mentally kick yourself if you can't change that negative thought  into a positive one. Don't berate yourself for failing to be strong enough, or more in control. Recognize that what you're feeling is normal, and then determine if it's helpful and requires your attention. Because sometimes we just put too much energy into the thoughts that aren't going anywhere, ya know?!

Happiness is such a profound state of being. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, anxious, fickle, giddy, jealous, and maybe even a little crazy. Just BE! 

Inspiration

I love art. I told my husband that if we ever won the lottery (assuming we ever bought a ticket), he might have to stage an intervention to curtail my art purchases. I don't think there are enough walls in the world to house the amount of art I would be satisfied with.

Now, ask me how much art I create. The answer is sad, but I really haven't created as much as I would like. I always end up getting to that wall in my creativity, well before I complete my work. There's always something else that the piece just needs, but I lack the imagination to figure out just what that certain something is. So, I shelve it, and rarely ever get back to it. Procrastination sucks.

Solution? Art classes! I went by one of those 4 Cats art studios today, curious about toddler programs, and walked away with the intention to sign myself up as well. Seriously, a splatter room. What could be more therapeutic than chucking paint at a canvas, without worrying about the mess?! Control freaks everywhere rejoice!

And yes, my next birthday party will be celebrated in the splatter room. Nothing says early thirties like messy fun.

On Being Me.

Today's word: Acceptance

Some people are just incredibly witty and fun. They have all the right words at all the right times, and they know just how to make an awkward situation lighter. There are days I wish I was that cool. My brain seems to interpret most pleasant conversation as an act of terrorism, sending me scrambling in the opposite direction whilst mumbling an unintelligible response. Don't get me wrong, I can usually keep okay conversation with people I know quite well, but I can very easily forget where I'm going with a conversation. Attention span is limited with this one. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'm narcissistic. You know, if the conversation isn't about me or something I like, then why bother? Alas, no. I absolutely despise being the center of attention at any time, and I will check out of a conversation if It's beyond my intellectual reach. Sometimes I'll admit that my fellow conversationalist needs to dumb it down a notch, but other times I'll just fake my way through. At least when I'm faking it through, I'm asking lots of questions to try to figure out what the heck we're talking about. This happens fairly often with my husband and my father in law. Smart guys, both of 'em.

So yeah, I admire these witty and fun people. I think they're cool, and I've always wanted to be cool, but I keep missing the memo or 'how to' book.

I think most of these 'cool' people have a pretty good acceptance of who they are without validation from others. That's probably where I've failed all along. I'm a people pleaser from way back. When I was young, I rarely spoke up in conversation, preferring to listen to what was being said around me. I learned what people liked, and what they didn't like. I knew what decisions were good, and which ones were bad. I basically had a blue print on how to do things the 'right' way, as far as everyone the I admired was concerned. Or at least I thought.

Here I was, making decisions based on my perception on how people would react to them. Constantly worrying that one wrong move would send someone marching out the door, never to be seen again. I approached all relationships with the belief that it was my behaviour, and not me as an individual that people were sticking around for.

It's taken me over 30 years to finally realize that not everyone is going to like what I do, say or think, but that doesn't mean that they don't like me. It's also taken me 30 years to realize that absolutely no one wants, or deserves to be placed on a pedestal. There is not a single person out there that knows what they're doing with this life.

So, while I might never be one of the cool kids, at least I can be happy in the knowledge that I can truly accept myself as I am.




Geek is the new cool anyway... am I right?!