Terror

Last night I was afraid to go to sleep. When it came time to say "goodnight" to my husband, he insisted that I take a night light to bed with me. A bright one. At first, I felt a little foolish taking it with me, but I soon felt more grateful than shameful.

I always joke about pulling the blankets up over my head, to ward off potential boogeymen, but there was no joking going on night before last. It was a night like most other before it. I read a bit of my book, and then settled in to meditate as I drifted off to sleep. I never expected that less than 2 hours later, I would be woken by my own screams and a terrified husband charging through the door.

It took me a long time to still the shaking in my hands, and settle back to sleep. My very patient and loving husband abandoned his video games to protect me from imagined terrors, and stayed close for the rest of the night. Poor guy had very little space to sleep in, because I wouldn't budge out of the middle of the bed all night. I have never been so frightened in my life.

From the age of 12 on, I spent much of my spare time reading or watching frightening stories. The supernatural fascinated, yet never became a reality to me. Night terrors make the supernatural come to life, and that is downright terrifying. At least this experience has taught me greater empathy for how to respond to my son when he wakes screaming from all the terrors of the night.

I was working on another blog post, but I put it aside for a couple days. It's called "Procrastination."

Challenge.....

.... accepted!

'Twas the anniversary of my nation's birthday that marked a milestone for me. On July 1st, I ran my first 5K since having my son. It was so worth the heat. Did I mention we were having record breaking temperatures that weekend? We, on the wet west coast, are not accustomed to temperatures anywhere near the mid to high 30's, but we went there on the weekend. Just in time for my poor, under-trained self to run like the wind. Okay, so the wind I was not, but I did fairly well.

My husband was a great coach, and a wonderful motivator. He refused to run ahead of me, and even insisted that I cross the finish line first. I do love him, so very much. When I wanted to walk, I was given exactly 1 minute.... but even then, if I seemed really tired he would let me go with a few extra seconds. It's what I needed to get me through it. I'm really very proud of myself, and plan on celebrating by registering for another 5K in September. Here's hoping the training goes better for that one!

The run ended up being for a great cause, with all proceeds going toward the Canadian Diabetes Foundation. I like good causes. Our friends were even sweet enough to register our little guy for the kids 1K, so he would have something fun to do while we were off sweating in the trees. My sister in law joined in the fun, by escorting the little man on his meanderings through the trails. I think everyone had a great time. I'd love to do it again next year.

It really was a wonderful weekend. Before race day, we went up for a couple of nights to visit the in-laws and my grandparents on the beautiful sunshine coast. L got to play on the "beach" beside my grandparents place, and enjoyed checking out his great auntie J's carvings in the shop. Big love for the owls and ducks!  We played pool with mother and father in law, with a meager (but well deserved) win for team McCrabbs (that would be myself and hubby). Apparently my father in law is really enjoying his retirement, and spends a great deal of time honing his billiard skills so he can put all us younguns in our place. Mother in law played with L, changed diapers, and gave us some time to shower and unwind. We thank you!

We need to do it more often. If I could live there, and harass my family every single day, I would. But, alas, they have to deal with harassment from afar. Love to you all.

Motivation

I'm running a 5K on July 1st. Go me! Okay, maybe not so much. I'm nowhere near ready. When I started this journey, I was sure training would go smoothly and I might even lose some weight along the way. Uh huh. My family ended up sick for over two weeks, so my tight seven week training schedule was cut right in the middle.

I'm using an iphone app called C25K (couch to 5 km) to help me train for the race. With the app, you start out alternating between running and walking, until you gradually eliminate the need to walk entirely. At the time that I got sick, I had worked my way up to 4 weeks of training.

So,  considering I was almost flat out for two weeks, you would think common sense would prevail, and I'd set myself back at least a week. Common sense, you say? Yeah, no. When it comes to exercise, I fail miserably at making good choices. I felt like a baby hippo, or maybe a really overweight sloth, being chased by a cheetah. I'm sure other people passing me must have thought I was either going into cardiac arrest, or having a very hot seizure. It was not a pretty sight.

However, that was nothing compared to the next week when I took my impatient toddler out in his stroller. Not only did I think I was going to collapse from exhaustion, but every single time he would call out to me, I would die a little inside. I just knew as soon as I choked out one response, there would be a ceaseless barrage of questions that would require similar retorts. I could hardly catch my breath, least of all speak at the rate that he expected.

Oh well, whining isn't going to get me anywhere. Cheers to hard work, and self motivation!

Nonpareil

:having no equal.

I've had this heading saved for a few days now, struggling to find a place to start. I feel like I should be writing about something profound, but I'm not feeling too profound at the moment. So, different approach.

Imagine it's between 5:00 and 5:30 in the morning. It's the height of summer, the sky is clear, and while it's warm, there's a cool fresh feel to the breeze brushing gently across your skin. You can hear the birds singing sweetly in the trees, and the soft hum of traffic somewhere off in the distance. As the sun begins to peak through the trees, the grass lights up like a crystal sea, shimmering and undulating at your feet. There's a coyote 200 yards from you, you both pause and consider one another briefly, before he lopes off into the nearby woods.

Now, how do you feel?

This is what I left working in an office for, and I never looked back. At one point, I felt like I should pursue higher education, and get back into office work. You know, make an adult of myself. But now I realize that I was right in following my happiness. That when I was working outside, I felt peaceful (even on the rainy days). I remember one day it was raining so hard that I soaked through two pairs of rain pants, and spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting in a pool of tepid water. I spent that afternoon laughing and singing to myself. I'm sure I looked a bit maniacal, but who cares? It was fun!

So, to use my word of the day.... I feel like the working experience described above, is nonpareil to any other that I have experienced.

Where's your happy place?

Beauty

Writing about art again? Yeah, I'm fun that way. 

I think I've been more inspired to get back into the loving of art recently, because my husband has brought home a couple new pieces for me. I even cried when he brought in one of the pieces as a mother's day gift. Yep, my husband has thawed my cold heart with the gift of art. We'll just ignore the fact that I will cry at almost the drop of a hat, a trait that I swear I get from my dad (Armageddon, dad? Really?). 

So, here it is!

Beauty, ain't it?! I thought so too. 

And one more:

My photography skills are not the greatest here, but you can tell how rad it is regardless. The artist drew both of these gorgeous works on his computer drawing pad thingy. Yes, I'm that tech savvy. I love it, no matter the medium. I think he has extraordinary talent. 

In comparison, here are a couple pieces by my little picasso:

I think he might have a fighting chance to compete against the greats of his time, no?! I have to be honest that it has taken me quite a bit of control to get over my compulsive need to keep things tidy while he's producing his artwork. One thing that has helped me let go, is designating an area for arts and crafts only. That way when we have paint splattering everywhere, and some "oops I just drew on the wall" moments, I don't get so tense. It's all good. 

Lastly, I thought I'd show something that I started working on while waiting to get pregnant with my son. I was so excited to one day be a mom, that I thought I might try shaping what it would look like. I didn't account for swelling, and the spreading of my already there birthing hips. Yuh.

I haven't touched it in over two years, so dust and hair have made it their home. 

Anyway, here it is:

In my previous post concerning art, I mentioned that I often hit walls with my creative ability. With this one, it was proportions, and the placement of the hands. I'll get back to finish it one day!

Happiness

Happiness is a tricky mistress.

Anybody who knows me even a little, knows that I'm an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I analyze every little thing that I've ever heard, seen or felt, until I can't remember how it all began. 

Like many people, I was living under the false perception that having anxiety at all was just not normal. I tried so hard to adjust my thought process to one that was more positive, while pushing the anxiety down. It didn't work. In fact, it made things worse because I became fixated on the fact that I was losing this power struggle with my anxiety. I was focusing on my problem instead of just saying "oh hi there, anxiety! You're totally welcome here, but I don't have time to give you attention right now." Seriously, how much better is that?! 

I've learned to ask myself if the thought I'm having is helpful, and if it's not, I can just move on while making room for the emotion that the thought has created. This is a pretty big breakthrough for someone with panic disorder, let me tell you! I was at the point in my life where I couldn't even go out to a restaurant to eat, because my social anxiety was so high that I had to leave after a few minutes. I not once, but twice left a movie theater because I had a panic attack within the first five minutes. I was just so afraid that I would get anxious and lose control, that I did get anxious and lose control. It was bloody bizarre. Socially, I constantly wondered what people were thinking of me. Could they tell that I was just a big 'ole fakey mcfakerson going through the motions of social normalcy? Probably not, but I was convinced that I just wasn't fun to be around, or that people were silently judging every little thing that I did.

Realizing that anxiety is normal has taught me that I can be open with it. That I can be vulnerable, and express my insecurities and fears with people... within reason, of course. Some people just aren't ready for that kind of emotional closeness. And, the best part? The realization that there are kindred spirits everywhere out there.... sometimes in the least likely of places. 

So, to all my internet friends... please don't mentally kick yourself if you can't change that negative thought  into a positive one. Don't berate yourself for failing to be strong enough, or more in control. Recognize that what you're feeling is normal, and then determine if it's helpful and requires your attention. Because sometimes we just put too much energy into the thoughts that aren't going anywhere, ya know?!

Happiness is such a profound state of being. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, anxious, fickle, giddy, jealous, and maybe even a little crazy. Just BE! 

Inspiration

I love art. I told my husband that if we ever won the lottery (assuming we ever bought a ticket), he might have to stage an intervention to curtail my art purchases. I don't think there are enough walls in the world to house the amount of art I would be satisfied with.

Now, ask me how much art I create. The answer is sad, but I really haven't created as much as I would like. I always end up getting to that wall in my creativity, well before I complete my work. There's always something else that the piece just needs, but I lack the imagination to figure out just what that certain something is. So, I shelve it, and rarely ever get back to it. Procrastination sucks.

Solution? Art classes! I went by one of those 4 Cats art studios today, curious about toddler programs, and walked away with the intention to sign myself up as well. Seriously, a splatter room. What could be more therapeutic than chucking paint at a canvas, without worrying about the mess?! Control freaks everywhere rejoice!

And yes, my next birthday party will be celebrated in the splatter room. Nothing says early thirties like messy fun.